Are you addicted to internet pornography?

3 steps to start getting your life back.

1. Let Go of Denial

As with any addiction, denial will stop you from getting help and getting well. Honestly answer the questions below to get some clarity:

1. Does internet pornography interfere with your work and/or free time?

2. Have you tried and failed to limit how much you use?

3. Do you use it to get high and/or escape and/or numb out?

4. Do you feel anxious if you can’t use it?

5. Does it isolate you?

6. Has your taste in pornography progressively become more extreme?

7. Have you used it in inappropriate places?

8. Does it drive you to behaviour that you feel is risky or wrong?

9. Do you you feel shame and/or secrecy about it?

10. Do you feel out of control about how long and/or how often you use it?

You now have a score out of ten. The higher your score, the more strongly I suggest you reach out for support.

Additionally, how much time do you spend on it per day or week? How does your partner/spouse feel about it? If they don’t know, how do you think they would feel about it?

2. Talk to Someone Safe

You’ve looked in the mirror of the above questions. Maybe your score’s higher than you’d like. Maybe internet pornography’s adversely affecting your marriage or relationship (and it does, even if your partner doesn’t consciously know).

Possibly the last thing you want to do is talk to someone about it. You’re not the only one there. But every kind of addiction thrives in isolation. In order to change, most addicts have to let go of the mistaken-but-deeply-ingrained belief that they just need to get better on their own by having more self-discipline and determination. For many people entering addiction recovery, adverse experiences in their formative years made them fiercely self-sufficient, following the unspoken rules of dysfunctional families: Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel.

Here’s the thing: ‘We’re only as sick as our secrets.’ As they say in 12-Step recovery groups. But be discerning about whom you talk to. Sometimes your partner is not the first person that needs to hear about your pornography problem. Disclosure to a partner is a delicate process usually best done with the help of therapists and/or experienced-in-recovery support people. If you’re single, someone you’re sexually/romantically attracted to is generally not the right person to open up to.

3. Be Accountable and in Community

If talking to someone safe feels like an embarrassing thing to do, there’s one last part of the start-to-get-your-life-back formula that will possibly feel even more uncomfortable: Check out a support group. Addiction in general is isolating and self-centred. Internet pornography addiction is particularly isolating because of its private nature. The antidote to isolation & self-centredness is community. A good addiction recovery support community (online or in person) is a chance to hear others’ struggles and victories, and to realise ‘I’m not alone, I’m not a freak, I can be accountable to my peers here without fear of judgement.’

I’ve been addressing my various addictions for 16 years. The 12-Step, peer-support framework, in particular, has helped me get my life back. I continue to give & receive help there for free. In my counselling service, I don’t recommend one support group (12-Step or otherwise) over the other. I’d work with you, at your pace, to try a group that might work for you.

Some Resources

Here’s the most extensive list of support I’ve found around pornography addiction:

https://yourbrainonporn.com/support-apps-forums-websites-books

Also worth checking out:

Reboot Nation https://rebootnation.org

NoFap https://nofap.com

Relay https://joinrelay.app

The 12 Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over pornography—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other pornography addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

These have been adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous, which was the first 12-Step program. It’s worth noting that the word ‘God’ is used eight times, which might seem religious. But the 12-Step system doesn’t prescribe a fixed idea of what/who God is. This makes it open for you to find a Higher Power that works for you.

If you or someone you love has a pornography addiction (or any other kind of addiction), please feel free to contact me.